What Kind of “Friend” are You?

Friendship is indeed a powerful aspect of our lives.  To have great friends and to be a great friend.  You may notice that different friends fulfill different roles for you in your life.  Some friends are your “play” friends.  Some friends are your “listening ear” friends.  Some friends are your “supportive friends”.  Some friends may be your “travel/adventure  friends”.  Some friends feel like deep “soul friends”.  Some friends are more casual but you enjoy hanging out with them, the  “once in a while” friends.   Perhaps you have a friend who can fit into many of these categories and you enjoy spending a great deal of time with them for these reasons.

I am going to talk about being that great “listening ear” friend today.  As you read through these, you will identify with many if not all.  You will recognize when you have done this and when another has responded to you in this manner……..and you will remember how unhelpful it was.

These are taken from Brene Brown’s work on shame but are applicable with  any deep emotion we may be sharing.

Brene Brown

“If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm of shame.  We want solid connection in a situation like this-something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground.  We definitely want to void the following:

1.  The friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you.  She gasps and confirms how horrified you should be.  Then there is awkward silence.  Then you have to make HER feel better.
2. The friend who reasons with sympathy (I feel so sorry for you) rather than empathy ( I get it, I feel with you, and I’ve been there).  If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it:  “Oh, your poor thing.  “Or, the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy:  “Bless your heart.”
3. The friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity.  She can’t help because she’s too disappointed in your imperfections.  You’ve let her down.
4. The friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds you:  “How did you let this happen?  What were you thinking?”  Or she looks for someone to blame:  “ho was hat guy?  “We will kick his ass.”
5. The friend, who is all about making it better and out of her own discomfort, refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices:  “you’re exaggerating.  It wasn’t that bad.  You rock.  You’re perfect.  Everyone loves you.”
6. The friend who confuses “connection” with the opportunity to one-up you:  “that’s nothing.  Listen to what happened to me one time!”

Of course, we are all capable of being “these friends”-especially, if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our own shame grill.  We are human, imperfect and vulnerable.  It is hard to practice compassion when we are struggling with our authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance.”  Brene Brown

She goes on to say, “Shame and fear cannot tolerate powerful connection surging between people in the sharing of the shame story.  Shame metastasizes when it is not told honestly.”

This is a call for the courage it takes to share our deep places and a call for us to be a great listening ear……..I thought this was such great information and hope we can all take it to heart.

Here’s to becoming a better “listening ear” friend………..blessings on this Hallowed Eve.  mj