This year marked the 4th annual Labor Day Party at my brother Zane’s farm in SD, the farm I grew up on. It is a celebration and remembrance of our beloved Brooke, (Zane’s daughter) who passed away 4 years ago and a wedding anniversary for Zane and Sandy. A time of happiness and sadness.
Brooke was one of those people that light up a room. We all know someone like that. They cannot help it. Their smile, their energy, their hearts so big and so open that we are captivated. We fall in love with them quickly and we want to be around them. Just being in their presence makes us feel happy and light.
That was Brooke. Everyone said the same. A star that burned out far too soon for those who loved her and there were so many.
4 years is nothing in the loss of someone we love deeply. In fact a life time is nothing. There are griefs we will carry with us to the grave. We just have to figure out how to live with the grief that becomes a part of us.
How do we stop missing the physicality of someone so dear? Time does fill our lives with Life and we get busy and distracted but then there is the silence, the remembrance and all floods back in so strongly. It hurts. Very badly. We just want them here with us. Now.
Each day they are gone seems to make it that much more real. They are not coming back. Not in the way they were here with us on earth. They live in our hearts and in our memories but we are physical beings and we miss that physicality. The glow of their eyes, the way they tilt their head when they laugh, the mischievous grin………all the small things that make one so dear to us. The intimacy of the small things.
It hurts.
What can we do with such grief? There may be a time when it just hurts so badly that you want to do anything you can to distract, cover or buffer. You may drink too much, work too much, exercise or eat too much. Anything to keep that pain at bay.
That will work for awhile but in the moment of quiet, in the stillness of the night, we will be caught unprotected, unguarded and we cannot keep it at bay.
I have found that the times I try to push grief away it only comes back stronger when I am present with it.
In the end the addictions and distractions, not even time heals these deep wounds. Feeling it is the only elixir that I know. Diving into the pain. Swimming with it. Walking in it. Every day, every day, every day………..until the grief begins to let go bit by bit. There will still be times that it surges up but the death grip it had on you will lessen.
We often need support to walk through such grief and there are a variety of options for that. Sometimes a wise partner, friend or family member is enough to bear witness and help us through the darkness. Sometimes we may need to reach beyond our every day circle.
None of us get out of this life without feeling pain………deep pain.
When the pain comes we can choose to distract or we can choose to dive even deeper than the pain. It is a process. Those who dive deep become remarkable people who inspire us and help hold us up when we enter the dark zone.
And so I light a candle for our beloved Brooke today. And I light a candle for each one of you that has felt this depth of pain even as Life beckons you to move forward.
May we shine the light of love and compassion onto our fellow brothers and sisters that we may all be lifted……………I send my deep love to my brother Zane, Laurie, Alicia and all that feel the deep loss of this shining star………..melaniej
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