I have been reading and thinking about sympathy and compassion the last few days. I have written some blogs around some of these ideas before but I think they bear revisiting.
Here is what dictionary.com says about sympathy and compassion:
Sympathy:
1. Harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another.
2. The fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, especially in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling,compassion, or commiseration.
Compassion:
1. A feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
Having compassion and the ability to sympathize with another human being (or even ourselves) is an essential part of being a healthy human being. As with everything there is a continuum, however. We can have too much compassion and too much sympathy just as we can have too little. We are seeking a balance here as we do with all things.
What are some of the ways this could play out? Let’s use the 3 Bears scenario here:
- The 3 Bears
Scenario #1: You walk into my office and begin to share your story with me. As you are telling me your story, I get indignant along with you. I join in with the blaming and judgement of the other people involved. I feel soooo sorry for you and what you have had to go through………in essence, I jump right into the story with you. I encourage your self pity and the loop you are spinning. It might feel good to you at the moment but not really helpful at the end of the day. Now two people are spinning about the same story and it didn’t even happen to me. This is an example of “commiserating” Where there was one person miserable, now there are two! Is that helpful to anyone?
Scenario #2: You walk into my office and begin to tell me your story. As you are telling it, I find myself checking out again and again. I feel myself having judgments and criticism towards you. I might feel angry or resentful that this is a big deal to you. I may even interrupt you and say something like, “and what is the big deal here? Haven’t you gotten over this yet?” When are you going to move on!” All said with little feeling of support or compassion. ( I doubt if you would return to see me again:)
Scenario #3: You walk into my office and begin to tell me your story. As you are telling it to me, I nod from time to time, letting you know I am engaged and following. I may have some moments of , ‘wow, that was tough.” or “you have had to be so courageous” etc. After you have told me your story and I have given you some positive responses for your courage, your ability to stay true to yourself etc. I will then encourage you to begin looking at what part you can take responsibility for and what is your next step in the healing of this situation.
Scenario #4: ( I know, there were only 3 Bears:) You walk into my office and begin to share your story with me. As I listen to you, I feel a deep need to “take away your pain” (ie. “alleviate your suffering) In essence I want to do your work for you. It is so painful for me to see you in pain that I would rather take it on myself. This may look to be a very generous gesture but in reality is just a way I can distract myself from my own life and my own pain. And it robs you of finding the gifts there are in this difficult time.
It is important to be heard. Deeply important. I often feel I need to be heard before I can move on to the next step. If there is a trauma or drama, yes, we need to s peak about it. If it is a very deep trauma or grief it will need to be told more times then a slight hurt.
But there does come a time when spinning in the loop is no longer part of the healing journey.
How do you know if you are there or not? How long have you been telling the same story? Have you taken responsibility for your side of things? Are you still in the story but you keep evolving so the story keeps evolving as well?
If you are looking at all the pieces that are yours and working with them, facing your fears, growing your courage etc. then the story IS changing. If you are doing no reflection and making no new choices and just becoming more angry, spiteful, resentful etc…………..time to step out of the old story.
You may see yourself in some or all of the scenarios above…….I certainly have been in each of those places, hopefully not quite so mean as scenario #2 played out:)
We love our friends and families and want to be of help to them. It feels wonderful to be compassionate and to have another extend compassion towards us. There is just some awareness needed about which scenario we are usually involved in and if it is helpful over time or not.
I will leave you with this. “Compassion digs for deep understanding”. I like that
Much love, melaniej
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