We want our needs met. Of course, who wouldn’t? The problem is most of us do not have the communication skills that inspire the other person’s co-operation. How we communicate our needs plays a major role in our ability to get them met.
The following is an excerpt from David Simon’s book “Free to Love, Free to Heal”. 
“The Yaqui sorcerer Don Juan told anthropologist and apprentice Carlos Castaneda that human beings use 4 primary mechanisms to reinforce their self-image: Being nice, being nasty, being indifferent, or assuming a “poor me'” stance.
For example, my 7 year old, Izzy, sees a doll in a toy store window and employs her “nice” need-meeting response, asking, “Daddy, will you please buy me that doll?” If I do not succumb to her charm, she transitions to her “nasty approach,” crying and demanding I fulfill her desire. If this tactic doesn’t yield the desired response, she may go into an indifferent or withdrawn mode, refusing to talk to me. And if this method fails, she might try her wounded “poor me” response, telling me, “You always buy Sara (her older sister) what she wants. You must love her more than me.”
These are the skills that many of us are still using……but we are not 7 years old.
One great tool that we can use as mature emotional beings is the “inspired request”. This is a tip that I learned from my teachers, Paul and Layne Cutright. It turns a “complaint into a request”. Rather than saying to our partner, “you never do anything with me” (the “poor me” ) you would be specific. “I would love to go out to dinner with you on Friday evening. Would you be interested in that? Would that work for you?”
The first request is whiney and a “repelling” energy. Whenever there is blame we will feel defensive.
The second request simply states a desire. There is no emotional attack and it allows the other person to consider the request and answer. It is much more inviting.
There are times that we will be declined even when we do everything “right”. That is a part of life. Then we can practice saying, “Thank you for considering it.”
Learning to ask from a place of honest desire that is not cloaked in hidden anger, revenge, or victimhood will bring us a greater result much more of the time.
Begin to watch how you ask to have your needs met. Are you playing nice? Nasty? Indifferent? The victim? Try being direct. Drop the blame, the drama, the past resentments and just make a specific request. If “feels” so much cleaner. It allows space for the other person to also be clear and honest.
Give this a try and let me know how it goes! Blessings, Melanie
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