Some of you may be aware that I am currently teaching a 6 week class on “heart to heart talks”. You can read more about them on my website. What I have been very aware of as I have worked with these communication exercises both with myself and with my students is the DEEP need to feel safe.
We are often in the situation of diminished communication because at some level we have not felt SAFE in expressing our true needs, desires, opinions or feelings. We have felt afraid that we will hurt someone’s feelings. We have felt afraid that they “won’t like me” if we speak our truth. We have felt afraid that “they” would leave us if we speak our truth. The need to feel safe is so large for most of us……we will deny ourselves a great deal to not “rock the boat”……to continue to feel safe becomes more important than honesty.
But it doesn’t work. Any relationship that does not deeply value and support each partner to be honest, stay honest and continually grow deeper in honesty, will eventually grow dim. There are those walls that we put up to “keep us safe”. We know they are there…..it doesn’t necessarily feel good ( we may be unconscious that they are there) but they make us feel “safe”. We may feel keeping these things to ourselves will keep us safe but keeping these important conversations to ourseves also diminishs the love, the passion, the intimacy and the creativity that human beings hunger for so deeply.
Begin to notice. Begin to notice when you are in a conversation and you begin to edit, censor and delete what is really on your mind and in your heart……particularly what is in your heart. Ask yourself, “am i protecting myself here?” “what am I afraid of?” “Can I be more transparent and vulnerable for the sake of connection and truth speaking?”
This is not honesty about blaming and finger pointing. This is honesty about your own feelings, needs and desires-your truth.
The first step is always just noticing what you are doing………
I would love to hear some comments about this……i will be writing more about this subject. Stay tuned! blessings on this sunshiny day! melanie